


it seems like a mighty long time

by zooeyandfranny



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: 'Swawesome Santa, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 20:25:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9015811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zooeyandfranny/pseuds/zooeyandfranny
Summary: For as long as he could remember, Kent always had dreams that felt real.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blazeofglory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazeofglory/gifts).



> This is my first time publishing a fanfic. I really hope you like it, blazeofglory!
> 
> This fic does deal with the night before the draft and Jack's overdose. See end notes for more details. 
> 
> Title from "Hello Stranger" by Barbara Lewis.

For as long as he could remember, Kent always had dreams that felt real.

 

When he was small he loved this, loved going to bed at night, ready for his beautiful dreams.

 

That all changed when Kent turned ten and the nightmares came. They were cinematic, his nightly movies of volcanoes and war and arguments. He dreamed of monsters fighting, of being left in burning houses. These dreams left Kent with an aching loneliness when he woke up. In one, Kent had fallen into a deep well and no one ever saved him, or even knew he was missing.

 

Then his dad left.

 

The dreams keep coming. The night before his sister broke her arm on the playground Kent had dreamed of a tall and beautiful tree. Kent played on the tree and swung from its branches. Suddenly, a loud crack boomed and all the branches snapped at once. Kent fell and woke, panting. The next day, when Kate came home with a red face and her arm in a cast, Kent felt ashamed. He didn’t know why this was happening to him. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve it.

 

 ***

 

Kent never tells anyone about his dreams. He hates them. He’s always on edge and stays up late to stave them off, but they always come.

 

He throws himself into hockey in hopes that if his body is tired enough, he won’t dream. And it works, for a while. But they come back.

 

His mom notices that he isn’t sleeping well and takes him to a doctor, who prescribes him a low dose of sleeping pills. It helps. The dreams get duller, stay with him for a shorter period of time. He’s getting more and more attention on the ice. His coaches throw around terms like “gifted” and “a natural.” Despite his height and lack of muscle, he’s named captain of all the teams he plays on.

 

When Kent turns sixteen, he leaves home for the first time to play in the Q. There, he meets Jack Zimmermann, and everything changes.

 

 ***

 

In the Q, Kent stops taking the sleeping pills, in part because he cannot bring himself to ask his billet family to take him to the pharmacy, and because he doesn’t want his roommates on road games to know. The dreams, which have dulled for the past year, return with a vengeance.

 

“Good game,” Jack says after practice one day, and that night Kent dreams that he is a knight entrusted with protecting the crown prince.

 

“Nice pass,” Jack says the next day, checking his hip against Kent’s, and Kent flushes red and tries to will down his excitement. That night he dreams that he is flower growing toward the sun. He doesn’t know what it means.

 

 ***

 

The thing about Jack Zimmermann is that he is actually a total dork. Kent is delighted to discover this. Jack’s also hilarious, once you figure out that half the time his deadpan expression is totally an act. He also talks so much when you get him going on a subject that he cares about.

 

One day, he talks Kent’s ear off about the storming of the beach at Normandy for forty minutes and Kent has to cover his mouth with the palm of his hand to get him to be quiet. Jack licks his hand, which leads to Kent tickling Jack, which leads to the two of them wrestling on the floor of Kent’s billet bedroom.

 

Jack gets Kent pinned under him.

 

‘Tell me that you love history! Tell me that you want to hear more!”

 

Kent can barely breathe, not just because of the wrestling, but because he’s terrified that Jack will feel how hard he is under his jeans.

 

“Never” he spits out.

 

Jack maneuvers Kent’s hands with one of his own and holds them over his head.

 

“Tell me you love it!”

 

Kent’s whole body feels bright red. Jack is leaning over him and they’re both breathing hard in each other’s faces.

 

“Boys! Dinner!” Kent’s billet mother, Deborah, calls.

 

“You just got lucky,“ Jack says, and they both head down to the dining room.

 

 ***

 

They become totally attached at the hip. The other guys on their team refer to them as a unit, Jack and Kenny or Parse and Zimms. They do everything together.

 

Kent is totally fucked.

 

He’s completely gone on Jack.

 

On the road these days, he and Jack always room together, and Kent never wakes up screaming.

 

One night Kent has the most beautiful dream. He and Jack are a married couple, totally enmeshed in one another. They live in a small Icelandic fishing town, in a cozy cabin in the woods. Jack is pregnant, and beautiful. When he wakes up he can still feel the shape of Jack’s belly under his palm.

 

Kent is so embarrassed the next day he can barely look Jack in the eye.

 

***

 

The first time they kiss it’s at a party. Jack is a little drunk and so is Kent.

 

Suddenly they are kissing all the time. It’s _awesome_. The best part of being closeted teenage boys is that they can have sleepovers all the time, and no one’s the wiser.

 

Kent comes with Jack to Montreal for part of the summer and they have a whole floor of the Zimmermann house to themselves. This lasts for approximately three days, until Bob, bringing Jack’s laundry up, walks in on them making out in Jack’s room. Miracle of miracles, they both mostly dressed, but Kent wants a hole to appear in the carpet and swallow him up.

 

They make it through dinner, their faces red, and it seems that the whole thing is going to blow over until afterwards, when Bob orders them to stay in their seats and Alicia brings out a box of condoms and a banana and they are subjected to an incredibly embarrassing safe sex talk.

 

Bob talks them through a number of things that Kent didn’t even know were physically possible while Alicia demonstrates gloves and prophylactics until Jack jumps up and states, “We’re not even DOING any of these things!”

 

“Well, you never know,” Bobs says. “And we would never want to assume.”

 

Kent dies a little of embarrassment, but they make it through, and they even promise not to tell his mom (“But honey, you should. When you feel ready”) and best of all they’ve even allowed to sleep in the same room.

 

“Dude. You are so lucky. Your parents are so chill,” he tells Jack as they’re settling in for the night.

 

“Oh god they’re not. At all. Let’s never speak of this again.”

 

Kent smiles and curls up against him, and they fall asleep like that.

 

***

 

For one whole beautiful year, Kent has no nightmares . He barely remembers any dreams he has, just barely grasping on to a swirl of colors or a certain sensation when he wakes up.

 

Then a different kind of dream begins. Kent has never had one like this before. It’s more like a miniseries he tunes into each night.

 

In the dreams, Kent is a young woman named Victoria. She has come to a convent out of necessity. She has nowhere else to go, and though her faith has never been strong she’s never questioned God, either. She is a good nun, for the most part. She completes her chores in a timely manner, says all her prayers, and though she is quick to laugh and whisper with her fellow sisters, she never breaks any of the important rules. Still, her mother superior wants to inspire her to deeper levels of faith, and so she is sent to room with an older girl, one who is so steadfast in her devotion that she has taken a vow of silence.

 

Their room is small, for they have few possessions. Esther is so beautiful, with long dark hair that Victoria sees when they are alone at night. Victoria knows if she is annoying Esther by her looks, her expressive face, the way she can shoot a look just by raising an eyebrow. She’s a good listener. They pray together at night, and Victoria has never felt closer to God then when she’s on her knees close to Esther.

 

When Kent wakes up from this dream, he is sure that this is about him and Jack. In the dreams he is Victoria, he knows that, even though she doesn’t seem to resemble him physically (although she has yet to look in a mirror in the dream—convents aren’t exactly full of those symbols of vanity). And he’s sure that Esther, with her dark hair and light eyes and intense gaze is Jack.

 

For weeks, every dream Kent has is of Victoria and Esther. They begin to spend more and more time together. One dream is just the two of them , in the large kitchen, peeling vegetables and baking bread for hours. In the dream, Victoria speaks. while Esther listens. She tells her life story to Esther, how she came to the convent. She grew up a bastard, her father having abandoned her mother before she was born. They were poor, and her mother was sickly. Despite her silence, or maybe because of it, Esther is an active listener, urging Victoria on with the slightest movement of her hand, touching Victoria’s arm when she has a question.

 

Even within this dream, there are nightmares, ugly dreams filled with demons and hellfire and violent deaths that follow one by one. She often wakes herself with her own screams. Perhaps this is another reason Victoria was removed from the large hall dorm, where sisters lay in rows of twenty.

 

One night, when Victoria awakes from a particularly nasty dream, Esther is there, holding her. They lay in her tiny bed until dawn breaks, breathing in the smell of their commingling hair.

 

Victoria has a problem. She can tell that her feelings for Esther are not wholly pure. she loves her like she loves all her sisters in god, yes, but it’s like a trap door has opened beneath her feelings. the ways she wants to touch her are not sisterly.

 

Jack likes hearing about the dreams, how Esther is silently judgmental. He teases Kent about it sometimes.

 

Kent’s life is so weird. He and his boyfriend some times jerk off together while Kent talks about his weird lesbian nun dreams. It works for them.

 

They are still playing beautiful hockey. Kent has never felt as connected to another player on the ice as he feels with Jack.

 

In the dreams, Victoria and Esther grow even closer. Esther, though technically not speaking, begins to sneak notes into Victoria’s pockets. She writes beautifully. Victoria has still never heard her voice, but she imagines it.

 

They start sleeping in the same bed every night. It settles Victoria’s nightmares. She hardly ever wakes up screaming now, because the moment she begins to struggle under her wool blanket Esther leans over and rubs her back. They often wake tangled up in each other.

 

One day, while sweeping the large entry hall, Victoria reaches into her pocket and pulls out a note folded in the shape of a swan.

 

On it is written _I love you._

 

That night they embrace. It’s a feeling that Victoria has never had before. She’s so happy, she feels complete. Maybe they can leave together, run away. Maybe there’s a way they could be together, outside of here. Maybe.

 

In the morning, Esther is gone. Victoria hears from the other sisters that Esther asked to be brought back into the big dorm room, that she felt the relative privacy of her room was making her greedy, that it made her feel entitled.

 

Kent doesn’t tell Jack. He’s not sure what it means.

 

These days, Jack and Kent aren’t talking much about anything important. Every time Kent starts to talk about the draft or their future, Jack shuts him up with a kiss.

 

Kent’s not stupid. He knows that Jack takes pills. They’re together all the time, of course he notices. He would never think to call it addiction. The pills are prescribed, and though Kent suspects that Jack takes more than his recommended dose (and more and more often these days Jack disappears into the bathroom looking like a wreck and comes out an hour later looking more settled, determined) he doesn’t really worry.

 

 ***

 

The night before the draft, Bob and Alicia get Kent and Jack their own room at the hotel. Kent had been visiting his family for the past week and came in the night before, but his mother and sister will be arriving the next morning from New York. After dinner Alicia winks at Kent when no one else is looking.

 

It’s only been a week, but when they get the door closed behind them Kent reaches for Jack and holds him tight. He’s been having nightmares all week. He doesn’t want to deal with them, he just wants to hold Jack.

 

They get each other off quickly, barely even bothering to get undressed. When Kent comes he whispers into Jack’s mouth, “I love you.” He doesn’t mean to. It’s the first time he’s ever said it, but he couldn’t help himself.

 

Their mouths are pressed together and Jack devours Kent, deepening the kiss, and grunts as he comes. Kent tries to snuggle against Jack’s side, but Jack disentangles himself.

 

“I’m just going to clean up,” he says, and disappears into the bathroom.

 

Kent feel so relaxed. He knows that everything will change tomorrow. Either he will go first, or Jack will, but either way they’ll be playing on different teams for at least a couple of years before one of them will be traded. They haven’t settled on a final plan, but Kent is pretty sure that he’ll be the one to move. Jack likes to feel grounded in a place.

 

Kent doses for a while, half drifting off, when he hears a thud. He calls out to Jack and doesn’t hear an answer. He tries the bathroom door, but it’s locked.

 

“Jack?” he knocks.

 

There’s no answer.

 

“Jack. Open up. I’m serious.” Kent pounds on the door, but there’s still no response. He can hear water running, faintly.

 

He starts freaking out. What if Jack fell in the shower? What is he has a concussion? Thinking fast, Kent grabs the keycard for the room and using the trick his sister taught him to unlock the door.

 

When he first sees him, Kent is sure jack is dead. He thinks he screams. Jack is facedown in a pile of his own vomit, but then Kent can see that his chest is moving, just a little. He knows you’re not supposed to move bodies but he does anyway, turning Jack on his side, wiping off his face. Jack’s eyes are closed and he vomits again in Kent’s lap.

 

“Fuck. Jack. What the fuck did you do.”

 

He doesn’t get an answer. but he does pull out his phone and call 911. Then he calls Jack’s parents. He’s crying, and Bob can barely understand him, but they rush to the room and bang on the door. Kent sets Jack down carefully on his side.

 

“Don’t you dare fucking move,” he tells him, and opens the door to the paramedics and Jack’s parents. Bob wraps him in a hug as Alicia rushes to Jack.

 

At the hospital, Kent looks down. He’s still covered in Jack’s vomit. The doctor comes out, and Bob and Alicia follow her through the double doors. Kent isn’t allowed to see Jack. He sits, and when they come back they tell him that Jack is going to be okay, that he needs to stay here for a while but that he will be okay.

 

“But what about the draft?” Kent asks.

 

“Jack’s not going. He’s going to take some time to get better,” Bob says, running his hand along Alicia’s.

 

He starts crying again, and they both envelop him in a hug.

 

“It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay,” Alicia tells him, but he doesn’t believe her.

 

The next twenty-four hours fly by in the blur. Kent knows that he is drafted first overall by the Las Vegas Aces, he sees the pictures, him in the jersey with a big fake smile plastered on his face, but he doesn’t remember it. Kent tries to go back to the hospital to see Jack, but Alicia tells him that jack doesn’t want to see him. Her voice breaks and she hold Kent in a tight hug.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she says, “You were so brave. I’m so sorry.”

 

Kent goes home for the rest of the summer. He calls Jack every day at first, leaves him dozens of voicemails. He pleads, tells him he loves him, yells at him, tells him in detail what it felt like to find him there, how he thought he was dead. Begs him to call him back. He never does.

 

A few weeks later Bob calls him and they talk.

 

“I’m sorry Kent. He doesn’t mean to hurt you. He just needs to focus on getting better right now. But you can call me or Alicia whenever you need, and we’ll update you, okay? You can always call us.”

 

He takes them up on it, not all the time, but especially in his first year in the NHL, he calls Bob for advice. Should he or shouldn’t he sign this contract. Should he take this endorsement deal. Etc. He makes Bob promise not to tell Jack, and as far as he knows, he doesn’t.

 

In his first few years of playing professional hockey, it’s not that Kent is totally out of control. By all accounts his life is amazing. He is a pro-athlete, for goodness sake. He’s made it. He gets to play a game he loves every day. For tons of money.

 

He’s miserable.

 

Kent goes to another doctor, gets prescribed another kind of sleeping pill. They work until they don’t, and the dreams come back. He doesn’t stop loving Jack. He wants to.

 

“Come on Parson! We’re going out!” his teammate Jackson implores, so Kent does. He drinks. He parties. He gets Instagram. He sleeps with people, never more than once. He buys a condo. He buys his mom a house. He plays hockey.

 

The dreams come for him again. They always do. They’re dark. In one Kent crawls across a desert, thirsty as fuck, the water he sees always just slightly out of reach. He can laugh at that metaphor, at least.

 

He would love to say that he moves on, but he doesn’t. Sometimes he breaks down and calls Jack, even though he knows it’s a bad idea. Jack picks up once, but when he realizes that Kent is drunk he hangs up on him. Okay, so maybe it isn’t a great idea to call your ex and blabber about how much you love them. Kent gets that. He’s trying.

 

He still talks to jack’s parents about once a year. Asks about Jack. Bob and Alicia have always been kind to him.

 

He tries everything he can to make the dreams go away. He practices yoga. He meditates. He goes on a ten-day-long retreat the summer after he wins his first cup. He dreams about Jack every single night and almost drives to his house in Montreal, but halfway there talks himself out of it and drives back.

 

He reads self-help books. He looks online, trying to find someone else who this happens to. He can’t be the only one. But everything he finds leads to dead ends, and Kent is too embarrassed to tell a doctor that he dreams of miserable things and he thinks they come true.

 

He does get a little better. He goes a whole year without contacting Jack. He does his best to move on. Then he hears that Jack’s team at Samwell has done well. Before he knows it he’s flying to Boston and renting a fancy car a the airport and showing up at that frat house, convinced that he can convince jack that they need to be together.

 

It seems to be going well. Kent kisses Jack and Jack kisses him back.

“I still dream about you every night you asshole,” he tells Jack.

 

Jack pushes him back. “Kenny, I can’t do this.”

 

Kent lashes out. He knows he’s hurting Jack. He was so close.

 

When he leaves, he sees the small blond boy outside the room, the one who Jack had his arm around when Kent arrived, and he knows this guy heard everything. Kent looks between the two of them. It’s obvious. Jack is moving on.

 

Kent makes it to his car before he starts to sob.

 

***

 

That night, back in Vegas, Kent dreams of Victoria and Esther again for the first time in years.

 

In the dream, Victoria is in a diner. It must be years later, a decade even. She sits and stares at her plate—a slice of blueberry pie, a glass of milk. She hears a laugh from across the room, a clear and joyful sound, like a bell.

 

Victoria looks up. Across the half-full room he sees her. It’s unmistakably Esther. He hair, once long, is now cut very short. She is wearing jeans and a red-checkered shirt. She looks so happy. Her arm is around another woman, small and blonde, and they are looking at each other with so much love it makes Kent’s heart stop for a second. They’re whispering quietly to one another, lost in their own private world. They do not see her. She peels a bill from her wallet, leaves it on the table, and walks out. It’s only as she’s walking out the door that she realizes she’s crying. She’s happy for them.

 

*** 

A year later, Kent has a dream. He’s at a party, and he sees the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. They smile like they know him. Like they love him. They reach out to Kent, bringing him close.

 

Kent wakes up. He hopes.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, Kent finds Jack after his overdose and thinks that he has died. There is also vomit, so heads up if that is a trigger for you.


End file.
